window bird

sunset
18 April 2014

Good Friday

Yesterday's slushy snow storm turned to ice over nice; it was like a layer of fondant over an earth cake this morning as I left for yoga. I love it when the sky is bright blue like this - there's always a window of time in the morning and again in the afternoon when the sky is like this, best when there are some clouds I can slowly capture swirling around in it. This morning it looked as if the blue was reflecting all around, off the shimmering layer of frozen snow, and Finn's bedroom window.

my shadow
and the Wild Thing tree shadow
on the April 18 snow

It's been seven months since he was born. He'd be crawling, getting licked by dogs, sharing toys with the dogs, ...I'd have him in little knit hats found on Etsy - bunny ones I had looked at but not bought yet. I probably would have him dressed like a carrot at some point. Photographed and over-shared.

Yoga was probably never better timed; in spite of the beautiful morning I needed some extra inner peace today, maybe a little extra inner strength. Robin's understanding of anatomy and recovery is making such a difference in the on-going healing from the infection of 2009 that played havoc on my nervous system, but she's also finding and fixing areas troubled by scar tissue - related even further back to the rough recovery from surgery after my c-section with Hannah's birth. She gives me hope that I could be looking at feeling, physically, a lot better - for the rest of my life. ...Which is so important - now more than ever.

There is a huge part of me that is forever broken, 
always in need of healing, therapy, help. 
I believe I will be fragile forever, 
so I have to work a little harder at being strong, 
and control what I can. 

Yoga makes me feel in control of a body that is wanting to fall apart. As I'm gently moving my breaths around, muscles stretching and contracting according to my mind's motions, I'm able to let go ...weep, but still breathe. Being able to feel both relaxed and strong at once in a posture is the perfect balance.

at the top of the Bay Street stairs
slush, snow, ice melting
in morning sun

The other day I said to Erinn, "Sometimes I think he gave me wings." I look at photos of Finn, utterly amazed at what I grew, who I made, how brave he was... Some people live a hundred years and do very little, he lived ten days and changed the world in so many ways - for so many people. I wish he was here, but he's not..., somehow I have to learn how to be grateful for the time I had, ...look for him in the sky, and feel him in the air around me. He's there.

one of my favourite books on yoga:

Yoga Anatomy

Leslie Kaminoff

ISBN-10: 0736062785

ISBN-13: 978-0736062787

surrounded by healers

I am surrounded by incredible healers.

It's no secret acupuncture - specifically acupuncture with Sarah - changed my life and my perspective of medicine years ago. The role she has played in these months since losing Finn have saved my life more than once. It's so much more than the magic she does with the needles, her understanding of Chinese medicine and ability to translate it as she works, the clear connections she can explain about anatomy, function, and emotions.
In my first weeks home after Finn died she would come over - I don't even know how many times a week..it's all a blur, but I remember her there many times at the side of my bed gently doing what she does, letting me cry, helping me breathe. The point on my foot that she worked her acupressure on is forever tattooed in her handwriting 'foot over-looking tears'...because after a few minutes of that I would drift into a dreamless sleep and find some peace for a few hours.

I still see her twice a week and probably always will. When her and Carrie move into their new, beautiful clinic I'll probably see her even more. I'm believing in a little bit of divine intervention in this Year of the Horse that has brought us back to one of my favourite places - Andy's old apartment, the same house where we had Hannah's baby shower, our favourite stoop.
There's more going on here that I can't say out loud yet, but is so exciting - good things happening to good people, good friends ....all connecting back to this park, PACI, that favourite old apartment, down-town PA...our stomping ground.. The new-old connections are goose bump worthy. My text messages are full of people saying, "Giddy Up!"

Waverley Park at 8:46am
on my way to acupuncture

ruby rubber boots
at the top of the
Bay Street Stairs

Sarah suggested I see Robin Faye for restorative yoga. This connection is probably more life changing than I think now..., I've only seen her a handful of times, but very much like when I first started seeing Sarah, I leave each time with an undeniable feeling that something has changed, ..something has been fixed. After my first visit with Robin I struggled to get back up the Bay Street stairs - my lower abdomen and pelvis were still so fragile. This week I practically ran up the stairs without even noticing my accomplishment until I halfway through the park. My hips aren't even sore.

I marvel because it would seem like I don't really do much in these yoga sessions. I've spent most of the time laying on the floor breathing - doing nothing.., she positions me, sometimes comes along and changes the positions, moves my legs and ankles around - does stuff to my right arm (a weird problem area). ..I just lay there, sometimes fall asleep, sometimes cry..

Like Sarah, Robin has a very peaceful presence, it's easy to feel comfortable with her. Added with her knowledge of anatomy and muscles (a massage therapist as well), the kind of treatment she offers encompasses body, mind, and spirit - much like acupuncture, that has changed me so simply but so strongly.

Waverley Park at 5:49 pm
on my way home from seeing Rodney

Robin and Rodney speak the same language. Lots of anatomy, connective tissue talk, and all the muscle partners and groups that interplay all over the body. Sarah told me I should see Rodney Puumula the very first time I saw her. I didn't listen... I mean, I've known Rodney for years.., he a great guy.., but I've been sort of afraid of chiropractors for a long time. I believe in chiropractic care without a doubt, and it has helped me in the past, but since the infection of 2009 the idea of anything moving suddenly in my back sounded like torture.

Not that his myofascial treatments aren't torturous in their own way (I've cried) - and laughed at my crying..(which is about the extent of the emotional element of this treatment) I finally started seeing Rodney a few months ago, and though I worry a little about how excited he gets about poking the sorest areas of my muscles, he makes it worth it. He talks about bikes to distract me. 

Jessica Carfagnini has her own shelf in our kitchen. A routine of vitamins, tea, and foods that are gentle on our fragile systems might sound like a good idea for anyone any day, but there's more to it - and I'm not sure how to explain it. The Chinese herbal supplements are no different than the teas - all made up of stuff \I grow in our garden, or ..more naturally along roadways, in fields, and along streams all around us. 

tbay street art 

at 8:48am and again at 4:31pm 

(I call him 'hooray it's spring guy' this year)

Rodney aside, I wouldn't know any of these people if it weren't for Dr. Atwood, who sent me to Sarah in the first place, convinced acupuncture was going to be the key in ridding me of that infection., among other things. She was with us through all our losses, with thoughtful calls to home and hugs before science. She was with all through my pregnancy with Finn, and there for him when he was born. There again for us when he died. 

She's with us again as we hope to ...try again.. and understanding in ways I could never publish. 

sunset and the Giant
8:32pm
10 April 2014

Someone told Rohan to find Hugh Walker..., Rohan was talking about him before I was even released from the hospital after losing sweet baby Finn. We've seen him for grief counselling regularly since.. 

Hugh is a difficult subject - not just because our sessions with him are absolutely soul splitting, but because I don't even understand what happens in those sessions. We go in not knowing what to talk about, sort of wanting to talk about everything at once but unable to say the words out loud. He knows the words we need to say - doesn't say them for us, but some how knows how to help us get them out. Revealing, heartbreaking, ...I still can't believe we have to be there, talking about our broken hearts being the parents of loss. Hugh understands the disconnect, and is slowly and gently putting those connections a little closer together.

As much as we are going through this together, Rohan and I are dealing with very different feelings of grief. That can make even being together feel lonely and scary sometimes - I don't know how to help Rohan, he doesn't know how to help me... or so we think, sometimes... It's like treading water together, trying to keep each other afloat; somebody's always sinking, or.. we're both sinking. Hugh brings us back to a place were we can both touch ground, still hanging on to each other.  

Each of these people play roles in our lives that can't be expressed properly in words. It isn't just their specific field of medicine they offer us, a little something extraordinary comes with them. We'll never be "fixed" or "normal" again, there will always be a need for healers in our lives. I hope to keep all of these people close to me for as long as possible. 

...and this doesn't include all the healing friends - Heather, Marie and Fred, Edie, Erinn, Jenn, Sheri, Andy and Karen, Cathy, Lori and all of BMN, Caroline, Shelly, Tanya for her courage in healing of another kind, Michelle from TheBump, angel mum Starlette, ...and so, so many more who have made it so we never feel alone. 

back at it...

It didn't take long for me, once I smelled the soil and spotted the plug trays, to want to get to planting..., and the day it was set up us die-hards were there at the planting table. It's the only part of the greenhouse season I can't miss out on - the first in years being last year at this time, when my mother was in hospice. I feel disjointed if I don't plant.
I don't mind the cold temperatures of January and February because they usually come with bright sunny days, and crystal clear starry nights. March and April are often dreary, dirty, damp, cold, and generally miserable. To spend those two months surrounded by warm soil under a blue sky roof - who could complain?

The last thing I expected to do this year was be back at work. I knew I would plant, and "hang around".... but, commitment wasn't something I was entertaining. It turns out I just don't know how to sit still, no matter what is holding me down.

Euphorbia graminea ~ Diamond Frost

Grief - of this kind especially, is defeating. There isn't a day, a moment, a conversation, a thought, that passes without Finn heavily on my mind. As much as it weighs on me I've come to conclude it also gives me strength. In a strange sense, I've never felt more empowered. I'm all too aware that worse could happen, the tension in my gut won't let that go - but, there aren't too many lower lows than what I've experienced in the past year.

I'm still standing.

The clarity that comes with the energy of being in the greenhouse again has helped in so many ways. My focus on our new garden is pretty clear; I even know how we're going to solve the new-garden-no-vegetable-bed problem so that once outdoor planting weather finally arrives I'll have some place to get my seeds dirty. (stay tuned)

I've already decided to focus on the trees, learning about our new trees, pruning and disease concerns of our new trees, adding birdhouse and feeders to the yard, dividing/moving/transplanting favourite perennials from Pearl, moving/transplanting favourites from around the new garden beds, and the addition of rose bushes.

The rose bushes I add this year will fill our yard with my mother's favourite childhood scent thanks to the wind sweeping across the Port Arthur Ridge to and from Lake Superior. By autumn I hope the yard will display some sort of transformation from bland to beautiful, useful, prosperous, and fruitful.

My father's scientific mind, my mother's artful eye, and my precious son's energy are a part of everything I do now. They'll grow in ways their bodies couldn't, and my only hope is that what comes of it makes a positive impact on the small parts of this earth I can help.

Sunrise

Waverley Winter

Waverley Park
4 January 2013

A Bright New Year's Day

1 January 2013
10:58:03 AM

It's a new year, a new beautiful blue sky day in Thunder Bay. I should be outside soaking up the most of it, but my holiday hibernation switch hasn't yet been turned off. I see no reason to get dressed today. Flannels & slippers #ootd

Now is as good a time as any to update this blog.. I've been feeling a little embarrassed since the January 2013 issue of The Walleye was released and the reader survey gave it a number two 'Best Blog' mention ...knowing that I haven't even looked at it in months. So, being that resolution time of year I'm going to add 'update blog regularly' to the list. ...but really, I say that all the time. For years I've been putting off finishing my glossary here, and somewhere along the way I stopped listed my book wishlist, which I miss.. this passive aggressive blogging behaviour needs to change. Today feels like a good day.

In the last twelve months I've carefully watched #TBay Tweeters, images in Instagram, and followed the 'Thunder Bay' Facebook feed full of photos - all the historic print & postcards and countless current shots of sunrises over the Sleeping Giant- it never gets old - ...it's been fantastic to watch and read the pride. I've met some brilliant Thunder Bay people through Walleye assignments, everyone so humble, ready to share, grateful for the paper's nod. I can't tell you how much it means to be a part of something that spins such positivism.  

fruit & popcorn strings

hung for winter birds

at St Paul's on Waverley

I see good things ahead in 2013. Our neighbourhood is full of fun people, thriving local businesses - walking distance to everything we need, friends, food fine & diner, anything we want. I'm surrounded in parks, outdoor skating rinks, and some of the City's tallest trees. I've never been happier about where I live.

My camera and I have big plans for the year ahead; not sure exactly what, but we're pretty comfortable with each other now so it's time to take our relationship to the next level. I'm still constantly amazed with what the iPhone can produce, and the photo app experimentation is endless... makes it too easy sometimes. Instant sharing has sucked a little quality time away from this blog. 

Collecting photos of favourite trees has been an ongoing project that requires better organization - especially now that I see that so many of my photographed trees have been turned into stumps. (This should definitely be the year I join that citizen pruner program...) I never get tired of roaming the city with cameras; there's so much to see when travelling by foot (or bicycle), slowing it down, taking shortcuts through parks, recreational trails & downtown river walks. 

I am smitten with this new tree on St Paul Street at Red River. 
It is so full of potential - I can imagine it years from now, 
dressed up in lights with ornaments for the birds. 
What a nice addition to downtown. 

It makes me want to breathe a little deeper. 

As for a gardener's resolution or two (or many more)... the list is long, kind of like the gardener's to-do list. That's nothing new, not even in a new year. R commented (complained?) the other day about the tulips and daffodils suddenly available at Safeway, "It's still December!" he said with an eye-roll. I was preoccupied with photographing the spring blooms and checking out the new 2013 gardening magazines already on the racks to think there was anything wrong with daffodils in December. My Christmas loot included a few new titles for the garden book shelf, putting me in the mood for spring planting as of Christmas morning.

Here's to 2013 

to a healthier life, to family & friends and to the best of Thunder Bay, Cheers!

Cedar Grove Community Acupuncture

The community acupuncture model is such a perfect addition to Thunder Bay's medical system - in a city with so many without a family doctor, and a top cancer care program. This inexpensive accessible therapy is there for everybody, for countless reasons. Alternative effective treatment for ailments like chronic pain, auto-immune disorders, headaches, digestive disorders - complaints that congest our hospital's emergency room every day and feed the narcotic problems that plague so many.

The Walleye's January 2013 issue is available now in print and online. In it - an introduction to our new community acupuncture clinic.

The community acupuncture model was established on traditional principles, and allows practitioners to provide accessible and affordable treatment in an atmosphere of healing and collective positive energy. The movement to integrate acupuncture into the North American healthcare system began in Portland, Oregon in 2002 and has expanded with vigour with hundreds of clinics opening up across Canada and the United States, with Thunder Bay now demonstrating this progressive thinking toward control of one’s own health care.

“Imagine the impact of acupuncture seeping into every corner of our 

dysfunctional health care system: 

quietly relieving pain without pharmaceuticals, 

reducing stress without psychotherapy,

inexorably changing the way people think about health and illness 

by providing an ongoing testimonial to people’s ability to heal themselves.”

Lisa Rohleder, Acupuncture is Like Noodles

Cedar Grove Community Acupuncture is the result of four local practitioners passionate about patient care. Sarah Watts DTCM, Carrie Johnsen DAc., Tracy Cook ND and Jessica Carfagnini ND. have established this community clinic to provide the best possible care for patients, and reach more people by breaking the barriers to receiving treatment.

Acupuncture’s enormous potential is best realised through a series of treatments over time, but often treatment rates are expensive. Cedar Grove Community Acupuncture clinic operates on a sliding scale of $20-45 per visit, which is determined by the patient; and treatment is done in a group setting, using points from the elbows and knees down. Patients choose a comfortable chair in the treatment room and rest with needles in for as long as they feel is necessary. In this setting friends and family can receive treatment together.

“Acupuncture is understood 

and proven effective by Western medical standards, 

bridging the gap between Eastern and Western medicine.”

Dr. Jennifer Atwood, MD

Fort William Clinic

Complimentary to Western medicine, acupuncture is effective in relieving a myriad of disorders from chronic pain, digestive and hormonal imbalances, allergies and injuries, to easing the discomforts of chemotherapy. Individual protocols are determined by talking with patients in private consultation: understanding the history, current complaints, and long-term health goals of the patient. Open communication between patient and practitioner plays an important role in finding the right path to healing.

Cedar Grove Community Acupuncture 

is located at 219 Algoma Street South

next to the Thunder Bay Naturopathic Clinic.

Visit their website at www.communityacupuncturetbay.ca

807.286.0118

Find them on Facebook: Cedar Grove Community Acupuncture Clinic

For more on the community acupuncture movement: www.pocacoop.com 

POCA - People’s Organization of Community Acupuncture

I wandered home from my first acupuncture appointment 

unable to describe what I was feeling. 

I still can't find the right words. 

"An energy" sounds sort of corny, 

qi isn't widely understood - whatever it was it was different, 

familiar, something lost found again. 

Something was better than it was before, 

and with each appointment 

the feeling became more and more apparent. 

The unsettling feeling of needing to know why 

became less important than continuing to feel better, 

and with wellness came peace... 

Sweet Autumn Ride

Big Boreal Adventure

Big Boreal Adventure

There are 35 of these cedar posts around Thunder Bay, each topped with a plaque designed by a local artisan depicting relevant nature-based images. Refer to your free guidebook (available at Thunder Bay Public Library locations) to learn more about each location, as well as clues on getting there. Guidebooks also include blank pages for rubbings at each post.
This is such a clever way to encourage people outdoors, and to explore the incredible nature trails within the City. It's sort of amazing that these places exist between the lanes of Thunder Bay traffic - between a place filled with lousy drivers and ignorant "specials," but it does. Tranquil is one word, a deep breath is a feeling. Sometimes I wish more people around here appreciated these places as travel routes, ...but most times not - for as well travelled as they are they are still underappreciated, even unknown, to so many in #TBay.
They've also now included geocaching - with GPS units available through the TBPL - something perhaps I'll rope in T & W to explore in. ;)

The new trees along the McVicar Creek recreation trail are amazing, simply amazing. Imagine this path in a few years when those maples gain a little weight. I walked this path every day to and from work for years year round; my love changed and grew in so many ways every day.

If there is anything in Thunder Bay that people need to appreciate more, this is it. How lucky are we to live here, and to have this steps away from home? Peace in the City.

more trees

another favourite Waverley  Park tree

Favourite Trees of Waverley Park I

24 September 2012

#favouritetrees #urbanforestry

Birch Point Park

Boulevard Lake

Disc Golf at Birch Point Park

The 1st Ever, Right Deadly, Birch Point Disc Golf Tournament takes place this Saturday, September 15^th beginning at 11:00am at Boulevard Lake, Birch Point Park. Not only is this tournament promising to be amazingly fun, but it offers a great opportunity to see how integrating recreational activities into natural environments and existing parkland benefits our community....

Read more in The Walleye: Right Deadly Fun.

Our local course at Boulevard Lake’s beautiful east side Birch Point Park has had its target baskets since 2010, thanks to a few guys with drive(rs), with support from Innova Discs, and a City’s Park Division dedicated to environmental ethics and public well-being.

Open to anyone, with the only cost being in discs (which can vary in price from $15 - $30), disc golf is an ideal sport for our outdoor-loving City.  

Our 18-hole course takes you on about a five kilometre walk

 through the park’s celebrated treed peninsula,

 the pace entirely up to you.

Phil Jamieson throwing
at Birch Point Park

Tournament entry fee is $25.00 which includes lunch, and a tournament print disc. Register at The Loop Clothing (corner of Red River and Court), or come out to Birch Point on Saturday to watch an afternoon of right deadly fun.

Link to their Facebook group Birch Point Disc Golf or directly to the The 1st Ever, Right Deadly, Birch Point Disc Golf Tournament page.

Follow them on Twitter @TBDiscGolf

Check out www.innovadiscs.com for information about disc golf, glossary of terms, rules of play and more.

Hymers Fall Fair

Hymers Fall Fair 100th Anniversary

September third was one of those unbearably hot and humid days, even more so away from the Lake in Hymers . We thought we would beat the heat of the day by heading out early, but there was no escape. It didn't seem stop anyone from attending, with an endless stream of vehicles piling in, families piling out, and dogs everywhere (this is the one fair where year after year I see more people bringing their dogs - we decided next year we'll bring Clifford..) I'd swear all of Thunder Bay was there.

The goats were, of course, my favourite - but also the seed saving entries. 

 seed savers

Hymers Fair

3 September 2012

I've always loved the Hymers Fair, but haven't entered anything since I was a kid. Next year I'll try to change that. Our backyard is full of prize winning cucumbers, beans, leaks, basil and tomatoes...      After not feeling well for days, it didn't take long for the heat to get to me and more disappointing was passing up fair food; (there's just something about the smell of fresh kettle corn and elephant ears) but you can't mess with 100 years of tradition. Next to the arts & crafts building with potters and spinning wheels was hay bale tossing and people on stilts. Local honey, wooden flowers, classic carriages & engines - there really is something for everyone. Livestock shows with calves and lambs are ..well, simply adorable.

hay bale toss
Hymers Fall Fair 2012

produce for sale
Hymers Fall Fair 2012