surrounded by healers

I am surrounded by incredible healers.

It's no secret acupuncture - specifically acupuncture with Sarah - changed my life and my perspective of medicine years ago. The role she has played in these months since losing Finn have saved my life more than once. It's so much more than the magic she does with the needles, her understanding of Chinese medicine and ability to translate it as she works, the clear connections she can explain about anatomy, function, and emotions.
In my first weeks home after Finn died she would come over - I don't even know how many times a week..it's all a blur, but I remember her there many times at the side of my bed gently doing what she does, letting me cry, helping me breathe. The point on my foot that she worked her acupressure on is forever tattooed in her handwriting 'foot over-looking tears'...because after a few minutes of that I would drift into a dreamless sleep and find some peace for a few hours.

I still see her twice a week and probably always will. When her and Carrie move into their new, beautiful clinic I'll probably see her even more. I'm believing in a little bit of divine intervention in this Year of the Horse that has brought us back to one of my favourite places - Andy's old apartment, the same house where we had Hannah's baby shower, our favourite stoop.
There's more going on here that I can't say out loud yet, but is so exciting - good things happening to good people, good friends ....all connecting back to this park, PACI, that favourite old apartment, down-town PA...our stomping ground.. The new-old connections are goose bump worthy. My text messages are full of people saying, "Giddy Up!"

Waverley Park at 8:46am
on my way to acupuncture

ruby rubber boots
at the top of the
Bay Street Stairs

Sarah suggested I see Robin Faye for restorative yoga. This connection is probably more life changing than I think now..., I've only seen her a handful of times, but very much like when I first started seeing Sarah, I leave each time with an undeniable feeling that something has changed, ..something has been fixed. After my first visit with Robin I struggled to get back up the Bay Street stairs - my lower abdomen and pelvis were still so fragile. This week I practically ran up the stairs without even noticing my accomplishment until I halfway through the park. My hips aren't even sore.

I marvel because it would seem like I don't really do much in these yoga sessions. I've spent most of the time laying on the floor breathing - doing nothing.., she positions me, sometimes comes along and changes the positions, moves my legs and ankles around - does stuff to my right arm (a weird problem area). ..I just lay there, sometimes fall asleep, sometimes cry..

Like Sarah, Robin has a very peaceful presence, it's easy to feel comfortable with her. Added with her knowledge of anatomy and muscles (a massage therapist as well), the kind of treatment she offers encompasses body, mind, and spirit - much like acupuncture, that has changed me so simply but so strongly.

Waverley Park at 5:49 pm
on my way home from seeing Rodney

Robin and Rodney speak the same language. Lots of anatomy, connective tissue talk, and all the muscle partners and groups that interplay all over the body. Sarah told me I should see Rodney Puumula the very first time I saw her. I didn't listen... I mean, I've known Rodney for years.., he a great guy.., but I've been sort of afraid of chiropractors for a long time. I believe in chiropractic care without a doubt, and it has helped me in the past, but since the infection of 2009 the idea of anything moving suddenly in my back sounded like torture.

Not that his myofascial treatments aren't torturous in their own way (I've cried) - and laughed at my crying..(which is about the extent of the emotional element of this treatment) I finally started seeing Rodney a few months ago, and though I worry a little about how excited he gets about poking the sorest areas of my muscles, he makes it worth it. He talks about bikes to distract me. 

Jessica Carfagnini has her own shelf in our kitchen. A routine of vitamins, tea, and foods that are gentle on our fragile systems might sound like a good idea for anyone any day, but there's more to it - and I'm not sure how to explain it. The Chinese herbal supplements are no different than the teas - all made up of stuff \I grow in our garden, or ..more naturally along roadways, in fields, and along streams all around us. 

tbay street art 

at 8:48am and again at 4:31pm 

(I call him 'hooray it's spring guy' this year)

Rodney aside, I wouldn't know any of these people if it weren't for Dr. Atwood, who sent me to Sarah in the first place, convinced acupuncture was going to be the key in ridding me of that infection., among other things. She was with us through all our losses, with thoughtful calls to home and hugs before science. She was with all through my pregnancy with Finn, and there for him when he was born. There again for us when he died. 

She's with us again as we hope to ...try again.. and understanding in ways I could never publish. 

sunset and the Giant
8:32pm
10 April 2014

Someone told Rohan to find Hugh Walker..., Rohan was talking about him before I was even released from the hospital after losing sweet baby Finn. We've seen him for grief counselling regularly since.. 

Hugh is a difficult subject - not just because our sessions with him are absolutely soul splitting, but because I don't even understand what happens in those sessions. We go in not knowing what to talk about, sort of wanting to talk about everything at once but unable to say the words out loud. He knows the words we need to say - doesn't say them for us, but some how knows how to help us get them out. Revealing, heartbreaking, ...I still can't believe we have to be there, talking about our broken hearts being the parents of loss. Hugh understands the disconnect, and is slowly and gently putting those connections a little closer together.

As much as we are going through this together, Rohan and I are dealing with very different feelings of grief. That can make even being together feel lonely and scary sometimes - I don't know how to help Rohan, he doesn't know how to help me... or so we think, sometimes... It's like treading water together, trying to keep each other afloat; somebody's always sinking, or.. we're both sinking. Hugh brings us back to a place were we can both touch ground, still hanging on to each other.  

Each of these people play roles in our lives that can't be expressed properly in words. It isn't just their specific field of medicine they offer us, a little something extraordinary comes with them. We'll never be "fixed" or "normal" again, there will always be a need for healers in our lives. I hope to keep all of these people close to me for as long as possible. 

...and this doesn't include all the healing friends - Heather, Marie and Fred, Edie, Erinn, Jenn, Sheri, Andy and Karen, Cathy, Lori and all of BMN, Caroline, Shelly, Tanya for her courage in healing of another kind, Michelle from TheBump, angel mum Starlette, ...and so, so many more who have made it so we never feel alone. 

needlefelted dragonflies

I started needlefelting a few weeks ago. I had no idea how it was done, but was continually fascinated by the artistic creations I was seeing for sale on Etsy. I've been desperately needing something new to do, something to keep me preoccupied at home, keep my hands busy. I've always needed a creative outlet - photography, gardening, sewing, cooking.., and I've always like small crafts, fidgety things, details. 

I've also been wanting to do something special for some people who have done so much for me - more than I could ever put into words. Sarah, of course.. how will I ever be able to thank her for all she's done as a healer and as a friend. Making something to represent Finn - his conception, his pregnancy, his life, and his death has been healing in itself... it feels good to create things with him in mind. 

It's been difficult for both Rohan and I to count how many days we had Finn with us - was ten? Was it eleven? It borders the two and it's all a little confusing. The number eleven seems to be speaking a little louder these days, so for Sarah I made eleven little felted dragonflies flying around a felted branch. 

Needlefelting isn't complicated, and doesn't require a whole lot of equipment, and as I started I could only see more and more possibilities. It's been a great distraction for my mind and fingers. Each little dragonfly has unique blue markings of the wings, a blue bead eyes sewn on with metallic thread. Each one carefully brought to life to remember a life lost.

I've ordered a lot of wool from various places - some from Living Felt, a great resource for all things felted, including You Tube tutorials; and from places I've found on Etsy, straight from farms in New Zealand and closer to home in southern Ontario. Again, a new to me learning adventure, and already I've discovered preferences ..I can see the future wool snob developing in me. I'm constantly distracted with new project ideas. It's about the only thing that has distracted me in a positive way since we lost Finn.

I know Sarah will love her dragonflies and with them remember Finn. Her peaceful and calming way is so much like all the nice things we hear about dragonflies, the two go very well together.  

wild wooden horses

Sarah and I spent most of yesterday's acupuncture session talking - about creativity, dogs, and Chinese New Year. It was great conversation, and in the frame of acupuncture it was just as healing as the needles. We often have those sorts of conversations.
There was no acu-nap, in fact we laughed so much that I had to keep stopping myself from jiggling the needles out of me. I didn't rest as much as I usually do during acupuncture sessions - it was more like laughing yoga and I came out feeling not only relaxed but rejuvenated in a way I haven't felt for a very, very long time.

Sarah has a very healing way of (doing everything) translating her knowledge whether it is trying to find a way to explain Chinese medicine using English words, or her perceptions throughout our conversations - physically/medically, emotionally and everything in between. These conversations are as powerful as the needles and create a really good energy just in themselves.

I didn't cry as much as I have been during acupuncture lately.

When we got to the subject of the Chinese New Year Sarah told me about an article she had read about the significance of this year of the Wood Horse.

We have just been traveling through [a] void - in two Water years - which immersed us in a descending place of degeneration, dissolution and chaos, a time when our internal world of formless spirit and emotions held total sway over every attempt at external control or order. For most of us, it was an unsettling time of letting go of many things, either voluntarily or forcefully, a time of deep soul searching, with gradual or sudden destabilization in many areas of family and livelihood.

I don't think there is anybody I know who doesn't look back on 2013 as a year of profound change, good and bad - but mostly bad. Massive life shifts, career moves, family's losing and gaining - and losing again. I think about Andy's dad, the awesome Ken Schmidt, who passed away right on the cusp of this massive shift in energies. There are a lot of really incredible people who left us in the last twelve months, and I can't help but wonder if they're all connected in some very special way.

It was just as the second water year began that my mother was given weeks to live, just as the baby growing inside me was making it clear he was a survivor (of pregnancy). Turmoil, chaos, confusion, ...absurdity followed.
Those water years were hard, especially the last, filled with profound loss, but with scattered moments of extreme happiness. Many, many people made major adjustments to life.
It's not just me Sarah and I were talking about - herself, and so many people we know have been though a lot in the last year. I know more people who lost in 2013 than any other year I can remember. Friends (and friends of friends) have been through hell and back with health and life on the line. Lots of people moved too; all over the world, big moves, life changing moves, families blending, families splitting up, new houses, new stuff, new places - coincidence?
Meh, this stuff happens all the time, right?

There might not be a bigger shift of energies

in the entire 60 year wheel of Chinese astrology

 than this one coming up

–the shift from two Water years of deep introspection

to the fast-paced spurt of extroverted forward propulsion

that the Wood Horse brings.

It's impossible for me to not look back on 2013 and not try to find some sort of meaning. I'll be doing this for the rest of my life, I'm sure - sifting through the chaos, trying to understand the absurd (running on a hamster wheel). At the same time I'm desperate to find a meaningful path to follow forward. I've been feeling this strong sense of disorientation for months and need more than anything some clarity.

This feeling I have of being in a new life dominates the days. I'm in a new house, surrounded by things and friends from the past - familiar but new simultaneously, missing some significant people, not quite knowing what to do with myself, not really knowing how to define myself anymore ...I even think I look different (beyond just the expected postpartum changes). My old life ended when Finn died, and I've sat stagnant ever since.
Is this lunisolar event a new beginning, or the start of something? I want to hope so.

The article goes on:

This will be a Promethean year, the Beginning of all beginnings, arriving around January 31st to February 4th, 2014. Full of uplift, optimism and compelling inspiration, we will be guided into purposeful action of the most elegantly simple and powerfully fruitful kind. After two years of feeling every revelation of corruption in the dark as if it was scouring our subconscious insides and wringing us dry of watery emotion, we are ready for this change! Light, hope and clarity of vision gallop in.

We laughed throughout my acupuncture session every time Sarah said, "Giddy up!" like a new mantra or affirmation. It sounds so silly. Silly, but effective (and I suspect a lot of people will be saying it in the coming months). Later in the day Rohan and I laughed at a CD that arrived as a freebie in an order of wool I received - it claims to be music for creativity along with affirmations, which I assume are things like "I am beautiful" or "I am worthy" and other nauseating phrases. I'm going to guess there's no "giddy up" on that CD.

This is a year to follow your inner voice like never before, for it will have a universal cosmic ch’i within it. Higher guidance is with us every step of the way. Reach for the sky, call up your vision, fuel your plans with vision boards and creativity, find a fresh path and pace yourself well.

My inner voice and vision have spent the last few months as a tree, specifically the oak tree that anchors the south east corner of our front yard. In the early days after Finn died Sarah had me use the image of a tree as a device in relaxation breathing - to take me someplace else and be something else, breathing in from my roots and reaching toward the sky, feeling the light and the air, imagining the seasons...all of it. I've used it daily ever since, and always as a way to calm myself before a grief counselling session.
The tree works for me, I've always had a good relationship with trees - from my childhood spend in Wishart's forest to the rows of the tree farm, and of course my affair with the trees of Waverley Park and other urban giants.

Trees are about the only thing that have interested me about our new yard. The garden stuff will come in time, for now it's just not a big concern for me (I imagined myself too busy with a baby too think much about it).
The trees in the yard - and in the park across the street - have actually been quite entertaining. Their colour in the autumn is how I see the blur of those weeks, and their lights are what brought me (and others) a smile at a very dark time (of year and otherwise). The Wild Thing in the park will never be seen as two ordinary trees urban trees, but always with ears and horns looking out on the lake. In the backyard a small mountain ash has the wings of a million birds every day, its berry supply almost entirely devoured already.
It's easy to correlate all this tree business to wood and the symbol of the wooden horse, and if anything I can consider it a starting point - to something..

I'm already on a fresh path, not by choice but here I am; and I have no choice but to pace myself because my body and my mind need to heal slowly. If a little bit of optimism is ahead I'll take it.

dragonflies

We picked up this little pencil drawing of dragonflies on September 30th 2012 when we drove down to Lutsen and back exploring the artist studios open for the Crossing Borders Studio Tour. The drawing is by Betsy Bowen and is an original illustration from the book Hawk Ridge by Laura Erickson. I didn't know at the time where we would hang it, and for many months it lived propped up on the bookshelf in the living room. 

When I started decorating Finn's nursery it was a natural fit in the room, and thinking back it would have been the first thing I chose to hang on the wall (that and the giraffes playing in the pond painting)... 

September 30th 2013 was the first day I had to learn to live without my little boy. I didn't open my eyes.

~ 

It was some time in late summer, I was home alone, hot, hiding in the living room which seemed to be the coolest room in the house with very little, if any, direct sunlight with the fan blowing on me. I would bounce on the exercise ball while listening to satellite music streaming through the television... when Cradle Song (Holy Nazan) by Norma Winstone began to play I was mesmerized. I quickly downloaded the song and added it to my lullabies playlist. It was such soothing and beautiful music I listened to it repeatedly for the rest of my pregnancy to relax, fall asleep, and dream of holding my baby. When in labour it was the song I listened to most. I imagined these little pencil dragonflies fluttering around to the music...

I haven't been able to listen to the song since.

That is why there are dragonflies surrounding my two tattoos - ten in total for the day's Finn lived.

The Chinese characters came from Sarah (my acupuncturist - and very special friend). In the first few weeks home after losing Finn I was such a mess (obviously)... Sarah would come to the house to treat me, absolutely life saving sessions, not just for the needles but for her calming and healing energy. I'd fall into the deepest sleeps after being with her for an hour. When I told her I was getting Finn's footprint tattooed on my foot she told me about this acupuncture point - located on the dorsal aspect of the foot, between the fourth and fifth metatarsal bones - known as Zu (foot) Lin (to face forward, to arrive at, to overlook) Qi (tears, to weep, [silent tears]) 'Foot Overlooking Tears'

For how important Sarah has been on this journey to have a baby, and for how much she has helped me heal, it was really important to me to include her. The characters are in her handwriting (as best copied by Remy the tattoo artist) and will always bring me back to those early days when the grief was so deep. It's all part of me now.

I'm not ready to share my other tattoo yet. Someday...

Cedar Grove Community Acupuncture

The community acupuncture model is such a perfect addition to Thunder Bay's medical system - in a city with so many without a family doctor, and a top cancer care program. This inexpensive accessible therapy is there for everybody, for countless reasons. Alternative effective treatment for ailments like chronic pain, auto-immune disorders, headaches, digestive disorders - complaints that congest our hospital's emergency room every day and feed the narcotic problems that plague so many.

The Walleye's January 2013 issue is available now in print and online. In it - an introduction to our new community acupuncture clinic.

The community acupuncture model was established on traditional principles, and allows practitioners to provide accessible and affordable treatment in an atmosphere of healing and collective positive energy. The movement to integrate acupuncture into the North American healthcare system began in Portland, Oregon in 2002 and has expanded with vigour with hundreds of clinics opening up across Canada and the United States, with Thunder Bay now demonstrating this progressive thinking toward control of one’s own health care.

“Imagine the impact of acupuncture seeping into every corner of our 

dysfunctional health care system: 

quietly relieving pain without pharmaceuticals, 

reducing stress without psychotherapy,

inexorably changing the way people think about health and illness 

by providing an ongoing testimonial to people’s ability to heal themselves.”

Lisa Rohleder, Acupuncture is Like Noodles

Cedar Grove Community Acupuncture is the result of four local practitioners passionate about patient care. Sarah Watts DTCM, Carrie Johnsen DAc., Tracy Cook ND and Jessica Carfagnini ND. have established this community clinic to provide the best possible care for patients, and reach more people by breaking the barriers to receiving treatment.

Acupuncture’s enormous potential is best realised through a series of treatments over time, but often treatment rates are expensive. Cedar Grove Community Acupuncture clinic operates on a sliding scale of $20-45 per visit, which is determined by the patient; and treatment is done in a group setting, using points from the elbows and knees down. Patients choose a comfortable chair in the treatment room and rest with needles in for as long as they feel is necessary. In this setting friends and family can receive treatment together.

“Acupuncture is understood 

and proven effective by Western medical standards, 

bridging the gap between Eastern and Western medicine.”

Dr. Jennifer Atwood, MD

Fort William Clinic

Complimentary to Western medicine, acupuncture is effective in relieving a myriad of disorders from chronic pain, digestive and hormonal imbalances, allergies and injuries, to easing the discomforts of chemotherapy. Individual protocols are determined by talking with patients in private consultation: understanding the history, current complaints, and long-term health goals of the patient. Open communication between patient and practitioner plays an important role in finding the right path to healing.

Cedar Grove Community Acupuncture 

is located at 219 Algoma Street South

next to the Thunder Bay Naturopathic Clinic.

Visit their website at www.communityacupuncturetbay.ca

807.286.0118

Find them on Facebook: Cedar Grove Community Acupuncture Clinic

For more on the community acupuncture movement: www.pocacoop.com 

POCA - People’s Organization of Community Acupuncture

I wandered home from my first acupuncture appointment 

unable to describe what I was feeling. 

I still can't find the right words. 

"An energy" sounds sort of corny, 

qi isn't widely understood - whatever it was it was different, 

familiar, something lost found again. 

Something was better than it was before, 

and with each appointment 

the feeling became more and more apparent. 

The unsettling feeling of needing to know why 

became less important than continuing to feel better, 

and with wellness came peace... 

healing, part 1

I'm about to start planting in a greenhouse - a different greenhouse, but to me all the same. Just thinking about it gives me clarity. I love it.

It isn't about the competitive local businesses for me; I'm just there for the plants. Well, the plants and all else that goes with them - which includes the people. There are always stories with plants. I have a bit of a story, there's been a lot of plants in it (Baby Millar's Lady's Mantle, for one). I sort of wish I had written more over the last few years, I think it's a great way to purge emotion, heal.

I've been thinking a lot about a threat read on Facebook a while ago, I wanted to write a rebuttal, but just haven't had the time. ...which is probably a good thing, because I would have likely written hate-mail. Time has allowed me to think about my response(s). The thread began with an abuse on naturopathic medicine and acupuncture - calling them false and such. It was, contrary to the author's own words, a very biased and narrow view. Worse, it showed a complete lack of knowledge on the subject. Simple logic: if you're going to call something out - study both sides of the argument. Make sure you know what you're talking about, remove yourself then throw yourself right back in. (My Dad always said I should have gone to law school...) 

I have trouble with the comparison, the one or the other, all or nothing approach to anything. Broad views take it all in - take my photography, for instance. I like taking panoramas of places I'm in, then I throw on the macro zoom and look at details. There's a lot in between too. It really is impossible to see it all, know it all...but it is possible to try.

I've been sick since the summer of 2009, it's complicated, personal, and still difficult at times. I've been a lot better in recent months, in spite of a second miscarriage..., and feel even better just thinking about being in a greenhouse again. 

I could probably rant on and on about the problematic system that dictates our medical care in Canada - in Thunder Bay, Northern Ontario. Oh yeah, the doctor shortages - the fact my mother can be diagnosed with cancer and still refused a GP. I can complain about wait times, and crack doctors who ask two questions and make assumptions.

My doctor is fabulous. She cares, shows compassion, and is thorough - extremely. Without her I would have never discovered acupuncture and Chinese Medicine. She thinks the way I do, logically about biology, open to ideas, following common sense. She did everything she could for me - and in the end admitted that there are limits to Western Medicine when it comes to healing. 

I need to heal my heart, which relies heavily on healing my body. Which I think relies even more on Sarah, my acupuncturist, coming back (she's been adventuring, learning, photographing, and I can't wait to hear her stories). She is healing. It's difficult to put into words - I've referred a number of people to her recently and have tried to explain what she does (beyond the obvious), though it really just needs to be experienced.

I've seen other acupuncturists both here and in Australia (and he was one of the world's best!) and they don't compare. Sarah's knowledge far exceeds theirs, obvious by her treatment. "Sometimes I think she floats when she walks," She said that to me once about someone else, but I think it applies as much to her. (And I am lucky enough to know them both!)

I went reluctantly at first. Both my doctor and R were encouraging me to go, to try - see if it helped. I did feel quite desperate at the time, but wasn't convinced that anything would help - so why bother. In two years I had been diagnosed with everything under the sun, put on all kinds of wild pills, no one knew what it all meant, my symptoms worsened, the pain, the confusion. 

I didn't even realize how unclear my head was until it started to get better - which was one of the first symptoms that acupuncture healed. My short term memory was suddenly becoming stronger - noticeably to me, and I found that amazing. Months later - and after adding Tracey and her combinations of naturopathic supplements, I started feeling more steady on my feet, stronger when I walked - when I hadn't even realized I was unsteady.

I do remember back when the symptoms first began being at work one day - walking through the tunnels at LU from the Registrar's Office back to mine, and feeling the need to steady myself along the wall as I walked. It wasn't light-headedness as much as it was whole body lightness, tension, and pain. If that makes any sense.

But, when doctor and doctor (as in Western Medicine doctor) tell you their tests came back negative - I was forced to ignore my symptoms, convince myself as much as others that I was okay. I really wasn't, and I don't think I realised how sick I was becoming. Last summer's trip to Australia gave us a pretty strong indication that something was wrong, it was scary, and I never want to feel like that again. The pain was immeasurable. 

I sought acupuncture in Australia before anything else. Why? Because I knew it would help. I haven't been looking for a diagnosis for a long time - more than a year now...just relief. I want to feel like myself again, that's all I ask. No Western Medical doctor can help me with relief - unless I want to take pills for the rest of my life (and not just any pills, lifelong scripts for narcotics...um, no thanks.). That is not the answer for me.

Look what happened when I did end up in hospital in Australia: valium. And that is why I couldn't climb the Sydney Harbour Bridge and I am still pissed off about that.

If I could have packed Sarah in my suitcase I wouldn't have needed valium. I don't know how to explain it, Jay, but it works - acupuncture, that is. The acupuncturist I saw in Leura clearly diagnosed an infection - where, what, he didn't know - for that we do need blood tests provided by Western Medicine. My point being: it isn't a matter of one or the other, it's about what each can bring to the table. The potluck of care. The acupuncturist can heal and even cure my symptoms, the pain, and more, while the Western Med can be used diagnostically.

It was my Western Medicine doctor who sent me to see an acupuncturist in the first place. She herself had seen her, and been healed by the treatments. She recognised that she had reached her limit in treating me, and with my resistance to take narcotics, she suggested a solution. That, to me, is how medicine should work. Include with them chiropractors, massage therapists (Oh, Jo-Lynn you work magic!), naturopathic doctors, and of course Chinese Medicine. It's not a competition people.

My naturopathic doctor and I have a great relationship, wonderful conversations - which in themselves are healing, I think because I spend so much time thinking about how I'm feeling these days - she and R are really the only people I purge my thoughts too. Poor souls. ;) Again, like and including acupuncture, the naturopathic perspective is one that totally makes sense to me, viewing the body as a system - like a clock that needs every part in sync to keep perfect time. I found that with Western Medicine I wasted a lot of time seeing one doctor for this, another for that, no body knowing who was testing for what, waiting months for results. The naturopathic approach is simple, gently winds that clock.

What is the difference between the witch-doctoring involved with pharmaceutical companies, and the witch-doctoring of a Chinese Medicine doctor's herbs? Are they not the same thing, really..c'mon. I don't want to argue this silly point.

The difference I can tell you, from my personal experiences, is that the pills given to me from the Western Medicine doctors had strange names and no indication of what they are made up of. They made me fuzzy, woozy, probably hurt my liver, caused a lot of indigestion, and ultimately - did nothing to take away the pain and numbness. 

A week after starting herbal supplements from Tracey, I sat in front of Sarah nearly bouncing out of the chair, feeling great - awake again, alert, steady. We were both encouraged. For the first time in two years I thought, okay good - I am going to get back to me again. I think the worry over not ever feeling like myself again has overwhelmed a lot of the healing. I have had a few set backs...but, which each we (with Tracey and Sarah) try more herbs, more points, and with each I feel a little better, a little more like me. 

I'm not there yet, but I know I'm on the flip side of illness now. It took a long time for it to get me down so I don't expect to bounce right back - but lately, the bike rides, the fresh winter walks..I can feel it. I am steady again, and the pain is manageable. My emotional self will enjoy the greenhouse as much as my physical self. I have a broken heart and out of shape body. Two miscarriages in two years will do that to a woman my age.

There is nothing Western Medicine can offer a woman after a miscarriage that can, even in the slightest, compare to what acupuncture can do. Nothing. I struggled, it was horrible - in 2010, my body was so out of control, I felt out of control, estrogen surged, my blood was weak, my cycle was off. I have never in my life felt worse all over, inside, inside my heart, outside myself. It went on for months. ...until I started acupuncture. Without even expecting it, or knowing it could really help, within a couple months of acupuncture my cycle was back on track, my emotions were calmed, my blood was stronger, ..Western Medicine could offer me nothing - other than fertility drugs, surgical exploration, and anti-depressants.

I've met, and read the stories of many other women who have miscarried, we've all taken similar and different routes through healing, and trying to get pregnant again. There is no doubt that acupuncture is a widely used and highly respected treatment. Sometimes it has been a solution, sometimes it has been used in combination with Western Medicine (IVF) and been successful - either way, it has been soothing to the women who have used it, which is so important after such a physical and emotional trauma. Now, still recovering from a second miscarriage, Tracey and I have been on top of it, to get my system in order as quickly as possible, to not have to go through what I did last time, - by strengthening my blood by encouraging my liver and spleen to work a little harder, feeding them better, supplementing with herbs and vitamins in conjunction with acupuncture points...and it's working, already..and I feel in control of it. I highly doubt any fertility drug or anti-depressant could do the same.

It's about recognising each treatment for what it is, what it can offer - how different approaches to medicine and healing can work together to help an individual. Acupuncture can't heal my terminally ill mother, but it can heal her symptoms - which, to me, is what's really important. Western Medicine cures cancer with poison - acupuncture treats the symptoms of those poisons, and the cancer, and encourages the healthy systems in the body to give a hand to the parts not working properly. I don't understand how someone could confuse these two approaches.

I have that wonderful sense of nervous excitement; it's great. Excited to get things started, to get back into it, to breathe that wonderful greenhouse air. I just know that this is the next step in healing - there's just something therapeutic about greenhouse work, for both body and soul.

greenhouse scenes 

at Trevisanutto's

2005