spring without Finn

what's missing
of course
is my baby

Good Friday

Yesterday's slushy snow storm turned to ice over nice; it was like a layer of fondant over an earth cake this morning as I left for yoga. I love it when the sky is bright blue like this - there's always a window of time in the morning and again in the afternoon when the sky is like this, best when there are some clouds I can slowly capture swirling around in it. This morning it looked as if the blue was reflecting all around, off the shimmering layer of frozen snow, and Finn's bedroom window.

my shadow
and the Wild Thing tree shadow
on the April 18 snow

It's been seven months since he was born. He'd be crawling, getting licked by dogs, sharing toys with the dogs, ...I'd have him in little knit hats found on Etsy - bunny ones I had looked at but not bought yet. I probably would have him dressed like a carrot at some point. Photographed and over-shared.

Yoga was probably never better timed; in spite of the beautiful morning I needed some extra inner peace today, maybe a little extra inner strength. Robin's understanding of anatomy and recovery is making such a difference in the on-going healing from the infection of 2009 that played havoc on my nervous system, but she's also finding and fixing areas troubled by scar tissue - related even further back to the rough recovery from surgery after my c-section with Hannah's birth. She gives me hope that I could be looking at feeling, physically, a lot better - for the rest of my life. ...Which is so important - now more than ever.

There is a huge part of me that is forever broken, 
always in need of healing, therapy, help. 
I believe I will be fragile forever, 
so I have to work a little harder at being strong, 
and control what I can. 

Yoga makes me feel in control of a body that is wanting to fall apart. As I'm gently moving my breaths around, muscles stretching and contracting according to my mind's motions, I'm able to let go ...weep, but still breathe. Being able to feel both relaxed and strong at once in a posture is the perfect balance.

at the top of the Bay Street stairs
slush, snow, ice melting
in morning sun

The other day I said to Erinn, "Sometimes I think he gave me wings." I look at photos of Finn, utterly amazed at what I grew, who I made, how brave he was... Some people live a hundred years and do very little, he lived ten days and changed the world in so many ways - for so many people. I wish he was here, but he's not..., somehow I have to learn how to be grateful for the time I had, ...look for him in the sky, and feel him in the air around me. He's there.

one of my favourite books on yoga:

Yoga Anatomy

Leslie Kaminoff

ISBN-10: 0736062785

ISBN-13: 978-0736062787

surrounded by healers

I am surrounded by incredible healers.

It's no secret acupuncture - specifically acupuncture with Sarah - changed my life and my perspective of medicine years ago. The role she has played in these months since losing Finn have saved my life more than once. It's so much more than the magic she does with the needles, her understanding of Chinese medicine and ability to translate it as she works, the clear connections she can explain about anatomy, function, and emotions.
In my first weeks home after Finn died she would come over - I don't even know how many times a week..it's all a blur, but I remember her there many times at the side of my bed gently doing what she does, letting me cry, helping me breathe. The point on my foot that she worked her acupressure on is forever tattooed in her handwriting 'foot over-looking tears'...because after a few minutes of that I would drift into a dreamless sleep and find some peace for a few hours.

I still see her twice a week and probably always will. When her and Carrie move into their new, beautiful clinic I'll probably see her even more. I'm believing in a little bit of divine intervention in this Year of the Horse that has brought us back to one of my favourite places - Andy's old apartment, the same house where we had Hannah's baby shower, our favourite stoop.
There's more going on here that I can't say out loud yet, but is so exciting - good things happening to good people, good friends ....all connecting back to this park, PACI, that favourite old apartment, down-town PA...our stomping ground.. The new-old connections are goose bump worthy. My text messages are full of people saying, "Giddy Up!"

Waverley Park at 8:46am
on my way to acupuncture

ruby rubber boots
at the top of the
Bay Street Stairs

Sarah suggested I see Robin Faye for restorative yoga. This connection is probably more life changing than I think now..., I've only seen her a handful of times, but very much like when I first started seeing Sarah, I leave each time with an undeniable feeling that something has changed, ..something has been fixed. After my first visit with Robin I struggled to get back up the Bay Street stairs - my lower abdomen and pelvis were still so fragile. This week I practically ran up the stairs without even noticing my accomplishment until I halfway through the park. My hips aren't even sore.

I marvel because it would seem like I don't really do much in these yoga sessions. I've spent most of the time laying on the floor breathing - doing nothing.., she positions me, sometimes comes along and changes the positions, moves my legs and ankles around - does stuff to my right arm (a weird problem area). ..I just lay there, sometimes fall asleep, sometimes cry..

Like Sarah, Robin has a very peaceful presence, it's easy to feel comfortable with her. Added with her knowledge of anatomy and muscles (a massage therapist as well), the kind of treatment she offers encompasses body, mind, and spirit - much like acupuncture, that has changed me so simply but so strongly.

Waverley Park at 5:49 pm
on my way home from seeing Rodney

Robin and Rodney speak the same language. Lots of anatomy, connective tissue talk, and all the muscle partners and groups that interplay all over the body. Sarah told me I should see Rodney Puumula the very first time I saw her. I didn't listen... I mean, I've known Rodney for years.., he a great guy.., but I've been sort of afraid of chiropractors for a long time. I believe in chiropractic care without a doubt, and it has helped me in the past, but since the infection of 2009 the idea of anything moving suddenly in my back sounded like torture.

Not that his myofascial treatments aren't torturous in their own way (I've cried) - and laughed at my crying..(which is about the extent of the emotional element of this treatment) I finally started seeing Rodney a few months ago, and though I worry a little about how excited he gets about poking the sorest areas of my muscles, he makes it worth it. He talks about bikes to distract me. 

Jessica Carfagnini has her own shelf in our kitchen. A routine of vitamins, tea, and foods that are gentle on our fragile systems might sound like a good idea for anyone any day, but there's more to it - and I'm not sure how to explain it. The Chinese herbal supplements are no different than the teas - all made up of stuff \I grow in our garden, or ..more naturally along roadways, in fields, and along streams all around us. 

tbay street art 

at 8:48am and again at 4:31pm 

(I call him 'hooray it's spring guy' this year)

Rodney aside, I wouldn't know any of these people if it weren't for Dr. Atwood, who sent me to Sarah in the first place, convinced acupuncture was going to be the key in ridding me of that infection., among other things. She was with us through all our losses, with thoughtful calls to home and hugs before science. She was with all through my pregnancy with Finn, and there for him when he was born. There again for us when he died. 

She's with us again as we hope to ...try again.. and understanding in ways I could never publish. 

sunset and the Giant
8:32pm
10 April 2014

Someone told Rohan to find Hugh Walker..., Rohan was talking about him before I was even released from the hospital after losing sweet baby Finn. We've seen him for grief counselling regularly since.. 

Hugh is a difficult subject - not just because our sessions with him are absolutely soul splitting, but because I don't even understand what happens in those sessions. We go in not knowing what to talk about, sort of wanting to talk about everything at once but unable to say the words out loud. He knows the words we need to say - doesn't say them for us, but some how knows how to help us get them out. Revealing, heartbreaking, ...I still can't believe we have to be there, talking about our broken hearts being the parents of loss. Hugh understands the disconnect, and is slowly and gently putting those connections a little closer together.

As much as we are going through this together, Rohan and I are dealing with very different feelings of grief. That can make even being together feel lonely and scary sometimes - I don't know how to help Rohan, he doesn't know how to help me... or so we think, sometimes... It's like treading water together, trying to keep each other afloat; somebody's always sinking, or.. we're both sinking. Hugh brings us back to a place were we can both touch ground, still hanging on to each other.  

Each of these people play roles in our lives that can't be expressed properly in words. It isn't just their specific field of medicine they offer us, a little something extraordinary comes with them. We'll never be "fixed" or "normal" again, there will always be a need for healers in our lives. I hope to keep all of these people close to me for as long as possible. 

...and this doesn't include all the healing friends - Heather, Marie and Fred, Edie, Erinn, Jenn, Sheri, Andy and Karen, Cathy, Lori and all of BMN, Caroline, Shelly, Tanya for her courage in healing of another kind, Michelle from TheBump, angel mum Starlette, ...and so, so many more who have made it so we never feel alone. 

The Pregnant Gardener

my pregnant belly
considers
where do I begin?

I've had plenty of time to doodle and make garden plans for 2013; April snow storms and May flurries have bought some much needed time to make my move. Now I'm caught between continuing the clean up and getting down to planting. Pacing myself and my growing belly is going to be this year's greatest challenge. 

Sleepy G Farm

On Earth Day, 22 April 2012, we visited Sleepy G Farm - with Marcelle and Brendan, who run this incredible homestead farm on the edge of the Sibley Peninsula near the Sleeping Giant's resting head. The visit was arranged over a story for theWalleye - except theWalleye story was already written and submitted with photos of theirs from previous years. A wild spring snowstorm had interrupted the spring farm story, but I still wanted to visit the farm and take my own shots, and see for myself what they are up to.
It ended up being an unbeatable way to end Earth Day - after a day in the greenhouse planting basil and photographing things growing; new life was all over the farm with babies born before our eyes. I've haven't been able to put it to words...

We got lost on the way out. I was too excited to remember to read (or bring) the directions and was just running on memory from Marcelle's instructions and my image of the farm from photos on their website. Our teenager in the back seat wasn't impressed with our country drive, but I was - there's just something magical about being on the Sleeping Giant.
I admired the farm from the road the first time we passed it, even more so when we drove up to it again. The fields, tilled by oxen, lined the road to the farmhouse and barn, with an irrigation system greeting at the top of the drive.
Met by a friendly farm dog before meeting the farmers, who welcomed us like old friends, I was really surprised at their modest surprise that theWalleye was interested in their story... never mind all the words I wished I could have added to the story. How could we not all be interested in this? Thunder Bay (& area) now boasts a number of these young farms emerging from the landscape with passion and integrity; and its because of people like Marcelle and Brendan that a greater respect for local, ecologically raised food has developed.

I'm glad that both Brendan and I remember the Fort's farm in better days. It deserves that. Even more glad to see his traditional farming knowledge fundamental in their farming philosophy. Simple hard work, ecological farming - people who care about their animals, and the land they live off. They raise Dorper sheep, shorthorn milkers, and field run chickens along with their vegetable gardens.

It was great to see the little chicks; for me an instant flashback to my childhood
 - the smell of the chicken coop, the warming lights on straw, the feed. Hannah was able to hold a chick while I told her what it was like to keep them in the family room growing up, holding them in our laps while we watched television, or letting them run loose in our Lego™ village.

She was also lucky enough to hold a lamb, finally. After years of adoration and only seeing them at places like the Hymer's Fair, or at Featherdale in Australia - here she was on a working farm, seeing sheep being raised for food the way they should be, in the field eating grass, cared for like family. I was happy.


More incredibly, there in the evening sun, as we stood over the oxen yoke talking about farm days at Old Fort William, a ewe gave birth in the yard. Before our eyes an Earth Day lamb was born, and I find it really hard to find the words to describe the sight. It was such a beautiful spring evening; a best memory for sure. 

a new mother and her lamb
moments after birth
on Earth Day 2012

 ewes & babies

spring on the farm

Red and River, the Sleepy G oxen work the farm with Brendan and Marcelle. They are referred to as children, with anecdotal stories of calf-hood and playfulness. Lovely, sensitive animals - they are appreciated greatly for their contribution to the farm.

Red & River
Sleepy G Oxen

Red & River's oxen yoke
at Sleepy G Farm

The irrigation system, cleverly set up to pump fresh water from the creek that runs behind the farmhouse to a raised well near one of the large vegetable gardens, uses gravity to cover the area. The dogs fend off deer and rabbits to the best of their ability, working shifts between belly rubs and long naps. The whole farm is in sync.

onions growing
preparing for transplant

chicks grown up

We left the farm with eighteen of the freshest eggs, and a deep respect for how hard these people work day in, day out all year long. There are no vacation days or sick leave in farming. Their successful CSA program is credit to the extra effort they put into growing great food - organic, healthy, and most of all: fresh. 

You can find them at the Pavilion at Silver Islet every Saturday from 10 am – 12 pm June 30th to September 1st, 2012. Farm products from Sleepy G (including fresh lamb cuts) are also available at the True North Community Co-op in Thunder Bay - on Algoma Street with The Green House (previously Folino’s store).

They also keep up a blog with farm news and photos through their website: 

Sleepy G Farm

Brendan Grant & Marcelle Paulin welcome questions and comments. To learn more about their farm, here is their contact information:

RR 1 Pass Lake

Ontario, P0T 2M0

807. 977.1631

sleepygfarm@gmail.com

garden cycle

the front garden
my sweet ride
20 March 2012

spring mornings with Claire

Claire enjoys spring mornings
and the Sleeping Giant at sunsrise

Dear Garden Diary,

I've been Mrs. M for nearly two weeks, and in one week I'll be back standing under the open roof of a greenhouse. These are some pretty good weeks.

With my mother feeling fairly well, a little relief has set in - a chance to catch my breath before the next spin, I feel a positive energy these days that I haven't had for a while. The cabin fever has been unbearable.
We took Claire for a walk through the waterfront on the first evening of day light savings; refreshing and muddy, but it got me even more excited about the coming months. Last year I was still in too much pain to enjoy any of this - I've missed it.

So, with visions of plant tags dancing in my head, I can't help but start to think about what our backyard will bring this year. Claire and I enjoyed Sunday morning on the back balcony, nearly hot with spring sun.

Our little micro climate section of our kitchen garden is already clear of snow with green parsley poking through, next to lavender and rosemary - both of which seem to have sprung back. Amazing. John Davis is embarrassingly out of control and I'm so glad. I need to tidy him up a little before photos, but I can say that he's got more healthy cane than I've ever seen. grin

Sweet Woodruff and the Hardy Geraniums are appearing along the west fence. I can see it own't be long for the rest. Though the area gets mostly afternoon shade because of the Tamarack and the fence, it does get nice warm morning sun, and protected protected from most wind it has it's own climate.

Gromit Wensleydale observed the kitchen garden this morning and has approved the planting of peas and radishes. Maybe even some lettuce. He is ready to snack. (dogs snacking in the garden will be frowned upon this season) I pulled out the seeds and tags from last year, added them to this year's already growing stack and already know that we are running along that yellow bring road to another garden bursting at the seams. Not that I mind too much. R's enthusiasm is great, and after he dug up that whole new bed for our vegetables we're both ready to play with possibilities.

The anticipation for greenhouse season is busting in me. Bring it on!

indoor springtime photos

micro nikkor 60mm
exposure .025s (1/40)
f3.8
one deep breath

In spite of the grey, March-like weather, our kitchen is filling with forced bulbs. A little bit of spring cheer a few months in advance is good for the winter soul.
Also enjoyed by my cameras. As part of my winter project/reading fodder I'm challenging myself to better understand the language of photography. Last year it was to better understand my camera, and use only manual settings, and with that I've come to the end unless I get more lenses and flash. I've decided I'm not as interested in working with raw images and learning more about Photoshop/Lightroom as I am with bettering my skills at taking a photograph that requires no editing. I also want to learn more about flash photography. Most of all, I have to learn how to put to words what I do with my camera.
It's the time of year for forced bulbs - the shops are full of them. I look forward to the photographs to come - which should bring me right up to real spring. :) This one of young crocus bulbs took a number of takes, holding my breath, trying to be as steady as possible. The tripod just doesn't work so well with the micro lens having to be manually focussed. I purposely dribbled water over them, then search for the best droplets. I think some time-lapse crocus blooms are in order. Cheering up the windowsill, the grey day behind doesn't bother me so much.

ramblings on recreational trails

Along the McIntyre on my way to work
with flowers for my desk.
2010

The other day R and I were driving down east John Street, we had just past the Junot lights and were travelling along side the shared bike lane. R made the comment that he rarely sees cyclists using that lane, continuing our on-going conversation that follows all the letters to the editor in the Chronicle lately.
We're both in favour of the bike lanes, but regularly - as with all things - discuss all angles (which is one the many things I love about us). In this case, along John Street, I can see why he wondered about users - they are a little scarce, and I know why.
First, what the shared lane there does is give people the choice: to either follow the straight forward commuter route, or connect to the recreational trail. Personally, the decision is simple: recreational trail. As I explained to R,

 "The reason you don't see as many riders using the shared lane here is because anyone who really rides in this city is in behind there (pointing beyond the houses south of John) riding along one of the best stretches of recreational trail in the city."

It rolls like a coaster along the McIntyre river bends. It's a quick trip, a fun one - there's no better way to begin your day. That was my route to work...., *fond memories* ...sigh.
If you've got wheels under your seat, (or under your feet), this trail is the one to ride. It would be a beautiful walk, but I haven't walked it since 8th grade at EQ - and people are all over it with dogs and children, so you have to be aware. That's what bike bells are for.

faces along the trail
April 2011

I stop for photos along this stretch of trail often..., sometimes I ride it back and forth a few times, then stop to take photos... . There's the river, the sunshine through the trees, bends in the path and wildflowers, but what I search for with my lens are the faces. The faces have been there for years - for as long as I've taken this path. I've never seen the person who draws them despite being there are all times of day, at all times of year. They reappear after rainstorms wash them away, and are in predictable locations, but are still each different every time - as faces are.

I remember feeling heartbroken when I learned the city was moving the trail that follows McVicar Creek behind the 55+ Centre on River Street. They were cutting down trees. Thankfully I attended the Streamwalk, and heard all about the rehabilitation and conservation that has actually gone into the project - and though a few of my favourite trees are now gone, most remain, like this group standing a little too close to the old trail:

Along McVicar Creek
2006

They're still accessible as the old trail has been adopted as a detour, smaller and hidden in the new plants protecting our pretty urban stream. The new recreational trail still has a charming flow, curving with the creek, with new trail-side trees that will someday, hopefully, stand too close to the trail.

Impressed on my memory are my morning trips down this path. I didn't have a camera back then, but took the time to take it all in, remember it, appreciate it. I knew life would change and I wouldn't always take that route, it was inevitable. I did well though because it's all still there, even the sounds of the songbirds and the way the sun - when still low on the Giant's horizon - would dapple through the trees. I don't even have to close my eyes.
Evenings too are beautiful along this trail, but my memories of evenings aren't just of returning from work; rather all the evenings spent with Hannah when she was young, learning to ride her bike, and inline skating for the first time.

Back then I lived in a location that allowed me to take the recreational trails to work in less time than it took me to drive. I'd ride most of the way with my feet up, with my camera around my neck and a coffee in my hand; I’d arrive relaxed and refreshed.

between the university and college
along the McIntyre

There’s no road rage on the recreational trails in Thunder Bay. People say good morning, smile, comment on the beautiful day, on the falling rain. Or snow, and when it does snow I’ve always found that the trails are cleared before the streets are, not to mention clean with fresh snow on the trees around. Who doesn’t love fresh snow on trees?

It’s just a really nice way to travel around this city. From Current River to Westfort the recreational trails connect to commuter routes, and in many areas weave through residential streets connecting them to commercial areas, the hospital, and the university.

to McIntyre Centre
along the McIntyre

In recent years the city has been stalling information signs: some about the urban streams, other about wildlife - birds in particular - that can be seen along the way. The people do that too, I've found. Not only are good mornings and comments on the weather welcome, but people seem to strike up conversations about things they've spotted along the path. Maybe it's because I've always got my camera in my hand, and they think I'm out hunting for the perfect shot (which I always am)..., I just think it's nice that people take the time to stop.

Drivers are always in too much of a rush, and the only talking your generally hear on a Thunder Bay street is that of jeering at jerk drivers who don't know how to use a turning signal. I find that stressful, even in little doses. Little does of these recreational trails can take away that stress. 

I'm trying to come up with a short 300 words to use to describe the recreational trails for The Walleye and find myself stumped. I could go on forever about so many little things - things that mean something to me, that I love about so many places along the way. Where do I begin? Where do I end? Pick up a map, throw a dart at it and ride there by trail? Go for a walk in your backyard..., because there's probably a trail nearby...?

Hm. 

...they make my heart go boom, boom, boom?


 ..and on that note I'm going to take a break.

spring trees on campus

Campus Crabapple, Quince, and Cherry ~ May 19, 2010