I'm getting married in a few weeks. On Leap Year day (is that what it's called?) February 29th. Time chose to take away our choice - but, I have to say I really like this date. It makes my Mom laugh, and I would never dare do anything ordinary. We'll have special reason to celebrate every four years.
I'm trying not to think about everything that's happening all at once, if I did my head might explode. I'm so sad, but feel overwhelmingly loved - there's been so much loss, and planning for loss, and somehow in this I have to find it in me to plan the happiest day. This is very hard. I'm just taking it as it comes - all the emotions, confusion. I didn't enjoy the wine last night, which tells me I've had too much; but I did enjoy the day ...
It was gorgeous yesterday, the sun was so big, the Lake a great cold, choppy teal sea - unfrozen ... The wind chill on the dock was a little more than the -10C when R got down on bended knee. Yep, he did it - the whole proposal on the dock, knee, glistening diamond ring... It was beautiful.
We had a funny conversation last night, as R told me what he had planned on doing for the proposal - something about the Tree Farm and dangling the ring around one of the dog's collars..., ..then we imagined an emergency visit to Dr. S at Northwest ..and a proposal at the vet. Which would have been very "us."
I know it wasn't what R planned, none of this was, but I like the way it all worked out. This was also very "us" ..much better than at the vet..
We've casually talked about getting married forever, we've both felt like we are for what seems like forever. We blended so easily. I suppose if I was the wedding plannery type I might have prodded him a little more. I openly admit to feeling daunted by wedding planning - and after nearly 40 years of successful wedding planning avoidance I am now facing three. How did this happen?
We've discussed putting something together with both our parents in Australia, assuming my Mom would come with us some day. There's the perfect place tucked away in the Jamison Valley rainforest at Scenic World - we found it by accident last summer on our self guided tour between rides on the Scenic Railway - Hannah's most favourite ride of all time. She joked about us wearing bridal gear (gear?) while riding the railway...that would be (will be?) funny.
For now though, I'm going to try so, so hard not to let the sadness of the situation get to me. This one's personal, emotional, and probably the most meaningful thing I've ever thought of. I'm feeling very exposed.
We posted this on Facebook, of course, 'cause that's what you do. Congratulations were pouring in - still are and it's so strange - lovely - I wonder what they'll all think when we suddenly switch to "married" in a few weeks.
I've tried to tell people privately why we're doing this now, why it's so private, why it's bitter-sweet. The responses make me feel understood. I have great friends.
Vanity is, as always, getting to me. When we first started talking about this - a couple weeks ago, I imagined myself with a little baby bump in a dress. I thought it was perfect... Now there's no bump, and the last thing I feel is pretty - and frankly, you need to feel pretty to try on wedding dresses. I'm hormonal, and my heart's been broken - it shows.
Luckily J, bless her heart, agreed to do some photos (which my mother and sister insist on - which at first I thought wasn't necessary..but realise that yes, they are...). J captures a lot of soul in her photos, and they're always so genuine. Plus our dogs love each other. :)