Thursday, February 2, 2012

and like that, you're gone

I'm sad for Hannah, that she has to know so much about pregnancy loss. She's only fourteen, and though she's mature enough to be aware and compassionate, she should not have to know all this.

I know she feels like she lost a sibling when Baby M left, and I can only imagine how confused this loss has made her now. She's very stoic, but is willing to talk - at the right times..., which if you know anything about teenagers you know this is quite normal. I'm still learning how to navigate the eye rolls. I know she was scared.
Like anyone, she needs time to absorb all of this and sort out her questions and thoughts. After another weekend of mother drama, early morning ambulances, all of us in tears... I worry that she'll never be able to experience pregnancy like I did with her - blissfully. Every woman deserves at least one of those. I don't want her to be fearful for herself, because this doesn't mean that this will happen to her, god I hope this never happens to her. 
I think, I hope her awareness will give her power as a woman. It's never good to be naive or ignorant, but I think she's already struggling with fears and worry..., I have to turn that around.

I started bleeding early this morning, and after a few hours of intense contraction-like cramps it ended brutally and suddenly. I hurt. I hurt in so many ways, R hurts, Hannah's hurting, and my poor Mom at her end having to worry about me. Me unable to be there for her. 
It's just all so unfair. Did we not deserve to have one thing go our way? Why now? ugh
I'm glad Hannah's going off on a hockey tournament this weekend, I hope she forgets about all this for a while and just lives like a teenager away for a weekend, with all her girls, screaming teenage girls on a bus with blackberries..., she belongs there.
I belong here, alone with "guard dogs" (term used very loosely in this house) and my lousy mood.
blood draws
watching you go away

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