Thursday, June 5, 2014

The weekend Rohan and I ran away to Lutsen ...

on our way to dinner
I had no idea how important it would be, there was no plan - we had decided the night before, after weeks of tension and sadness, and booked our room on a whim. I've never even been down the road to the Lutsen Resort, I've only ever gone up the road to the ski hills. When we arrived I was certain I was in paradise.

The beginning of May is always going to be difficult, it will always remind me of loss. Every May from now until forever I am going to run away to this place, because what I found there was more healing than I could have ever imagined.

where the Poplar River
meets Lake Superior
and the Lutsen Resort beach
Back in our room Rohan slept.., he slept when we arrived, was early to bed, late to rise..., slept most of the next day after our hike; it was probably the first time since we lost Finn that he really slept. At home he's too busy distracting himself, fighting the sadness, and nearly killing himself in the process. He's worn out, skinny, and consumed by a very private grief. I hate seeing what it's doing to him. I didn't realise until we were there in paradise that maybe he needed this even more than I did.

If there was ever a time we needed help, a little hope, anything ... this was it. We're beat. Grief for our child is so much more powerful than us.

Our one full day away was reserved for a river walk along the Cascade River. Of all the trails in the area we could have chose, we found the one with protected White Pines, and for the first time in years I felt my father. Some might think that sounds ridiculous, but I don't.. I truly believe the people we lose stay with us. I used to sense my father around Hannah's crib - nowhere else, just at the foot of her crib. I can't explain the feeling, it's peaceful, and just ..there.. I felt him that day in the forest. As if he read my post from the week before missing our walks along the Current River counting the White Pines along the way. For the first time since we lost Finn I felt peaceful...the churning stopped - briefly, but it stopped. I didn't feel as weighted and the tightness in my chest released..., just enough.

While Rohan carefully chose subjects for his photos, I ran around the forest like a kid in a candy store grabbing shots of every step along the way. I tried a few times to get a full circle perspective of my camera on the ground, waterfall before me, and trees towering over, but it didn't really work. The sun kept hiding behind clouds and no matter how long I held my breath and waited it still screwed up the exposure - and of course my panos were wonky because I haven't mastered that down/up thing yet.
I have mastered the foot selfie. I'm not a selfie headshot kind of person. I prefer my face behind the lens, but my feet - they show where I'm standing, and to me that's all that matters.
although I didn't know it at the time
this is the first foot and "belly shot"
of my pregnancy
with Hannah and Finn's
new baby brother or sister
I photographed my feet in the forest, in Lake Superior, on the wood floors of the resort, and in the best bathtub I've ever floated in. I watched the moon rise and listened to the waves slosh up against the shore below our cabin. I felt calm, and I think Rohan did too (all the sleeping helped..) ..and maybe that's what was needed for a miracle. I was already pregnant - just, ...this baby started growing in peace among the giant pines and on the shore. This baby was with me when I wrote Finn's name with rocks.
We have a long way to go together, but with all this powerful energy brought to me on this trip I have faith in a way I'm sure wouldn't be had we not run away. With new visualisations for meditation, and the memories of this beautiful place now charged with new meaning it will always be a very special paradise.

Thanks Dad.

1 comment:

Maigan Lynn said...

Hi Amy!
I'm not sure if you remember me or not but I've been debating on whether or not to post for quite some time. I've been following your blog since Finn's passing. I was absolutely devastated and heartbroken to hear of your loss and I've thought of you and your family more times than I can count, always sending positive thoughts and energy your way.
I can't tell you how excited I am for you and your family that you're expecting another little one! I can't wait to hear of this new journey and see all the pictures of this newest chapter. I really am so very happy for you!
I'm one of the moms from the September moms group from TB. I will say, we think of you often and miss you, though we completely understand your reasons for having left and staying away. That's why it's been hard for any of us to contact you - we don't want you to hurt any more than you already are. And if this email causes pain, I apologize profusely sincerely. It's not what I meant to happen. I just wanted you to know how happy we all are for you and how full our hearts are having heard this latest news from you! And to know that we've never forgotten you or Finn, and we never will.
I wish you all the best in your healing process and this new path. I'm excited for you and your beautiful family.
Finn was such a very lucky little boy to have had a mom who loved him so fiercely, even for as short a time as he was here. His new brother or sister is equally as lucky. I can't wait to 'meet' them!
Sending you lots of love and positivity always,
Maigan! :)