Thursday, January 9, 2014

every day is a new challenge

I woke up with a bad feeling today. I've been feeling so numb and disconnected lately that it's been awhile since I woke up with that sinking feeling, that deep internal emptiness that comes with grief. Its one of those days I can't glance at Finn's photos on the wall without losing my breath and balance.

It's going to be one of those heavily medicated days.

Thank goodness for Marie and Fred - and Jenn for texting me this morning reminding me to have fun on our "double date" tonight. They're coming for dinner - our friends who share the same horrible living nightmare we do.The air is a little easier to breathe when they're around.
I remember very little of the first few days after Finn died - most of which just comes to me in flashes of images, faces, murmurs of voices, darkness. I remember noticing I was moved to another room when the light came from another direction, but I don't remember what I was seeing - if that makes any sense. The first voice that comes through is Marie's, holding me and saying, I'm so sorry this happened to you. I was so far away but I knew she knew where I was - even in that moment. I thought of her baby, Lily, who earned her baby angel wings when she was just eight days old. That was the first time I realized I was not alone.

Marie and I share the experience of holding our babies in our arms as they died. What a thing to share.

So many people have been thoughtful, generous, compassionate. Finn's death has brought a number of old friends closer, my circles have expanded and tighten around me - everybody wants to help take my pain away ...which of course no one can, but all the effort is so appreciated.
Which is why I find it hard to understand how in in the last week I have received two messages from people on Facebook with congratulations on our new baby - one was a comment on a photo where every other comment included some sort of 'so sorry for your loss' or 'thinking of you' ...I guess she didn't read ANYTHING on the page. Another came in the form of a private message today. A long congratulations message, with an "oh, did you move" along with liking a number of recent photos. Again, obviously this person did not bother to read anything on the page, or any comments of photos. Or pay attention to anything I've posted since JULY.
Now, I don't go around studying every bit of information on everyone's page - but I do pay attention. It's not that hard.

sigh

I've been shaking since I woke up. Had another meltdown over my camera. Let's hope today turns around.

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